Friday, March 28, 2008

How to tell if your mate is cheating

Lots of people ask this question!

Most of the signs are obvious after the event but.......

1. He is more interested in sex.
She is less interested in sex.

2. She stops nagging.
He starts buying her flowers.

3. She joins a gym, fitness class, adult education class - anything new that requires weekly commitment.
He has work commitments after hours or takes a job that requires travel - perhaps something that she has been nagging him to do for years.

4. Her appearance improves.
His appearance improves.

5. She keeps talking about a work colleague whom he has never met.
He keeps talking about a work colleague whom she has never met.

6. She becomes over friendly with another couple and she tends to stay up late drinking with him after her husband and his wife have gone home to their own beds.
Same for him but in reverse.

7. A friend of his is suddenly available to accompany his wife when he is away on business.
He is mentoring one of her friends.

8. She has a shower when she comes in after a night out with the girls.
He has a shower after a late night at the office.

9. She is furtive with her phone, taking it into the shower with her.
He has a second mobile phone she did not know about.

10. She encourages him to do something she would have prevented him doing in the past - such as going to the World Cup.
He buys her and her best friend a weekend away at a health farm.

11. She does not care when/if he comes home.
He avoids going home.

12. She answers the phone and it is hung up - this happens more than once.
The gardener is always around, moving furniture, putting up shelves.....

13. She stops spending money on food, the fridge is always empty and she is eating out with a girlfriend again.
He hides his credit card receipts.

Clearly more than one of the above is needed to arouse suspicion but the following are probably conclusive:

1. An airline calls to confirm your seats for your romantic break... but you are not travelling.

2. A hotel calls to let you know that you have left an item of jewellery/clothing in the room and you have never been there.

3. Someone else gives you the sordid details.

4. He/she stays out all night without telling you.

5. She is pregnant but the dates don't add up.

Unfortunately lots of people are unfaithful and the last one to find out is usually their spouse. This may be because they do not want to know and many people run outwardly successful marriages for years whilst enjoying extra marital affairs.

It is often an instinctive feeling that something is not quite right that proves ones worst suspicions in the end!!!!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Heather Mills should buy a dog

The judgement in the McCartney Mill divorce saga has been published but Miss Mills appealed the publication of the whole judgement. Why is that then? The judge was kind in the words he used to describe Miss Mills - he got his message across without needing to annihilate her.

It seems that everybody hates Miss Mills and every time she says something she makes it worse - as the judge says she is her own worst enemy.

Will anybody want to be her friend - apart from gold diggers and spongers? Yes - a dog - they give love unconditionally which is just what Miss Mills needs right now.

The Daily Mail has a summary of the judgement...their journalists don't seem to like Miss Mills either and they always manage to print unflattering photos of her.

She is now a multi millionaire with one leg who alternates between showing off her physical talents to reminding everyone she needs a wheelchair; she appears to be disliked by everyone and seems full of anger; she is aware that she is now a target for gold diggers and is unlikely to find love; she is scared of being attacked and is talking about having to leave England but she won't be allowed to by Sir Paul; she has lost her looks; everyone loves Sir Paul despite her constant criticism of him.

He has now reconfirmed his position as one of the world's most eligible bachelors, kind, generous, rich, tolerant, reasonable, even tempered.

Miss Mills by contrast may aswell have a warning tattoo on her forehead.

Anyone want to swap places with her?

Monday, March 17, 2008

Childcare, discrimination and old chestnuts

Families Need Fathers have implored Alistair Darling to reorganise the benefit system to account for the amount of time children spend with their fathers. They argue that it is unfair that one parent, usually the mother, is regarded as the principal carer, receives child benefit and is then passported to the rest of the benefit system including child and working tax credit.

How many dads are we talking about?

How much will it cost to overhaul the system and double the amount of administration and analysis needed?

This Government is notorious for being inefficient and careless with data and the tax credit system has resulted in a huge amount of fraud, contributed to increased employment so that one in five working adults in England now works for the Government. This is massaging our employment figures and disguising the real lack of growth in our economy. The result is an increase in tax, it's the same old labour chestnut - wealth redistribution rather than wealth creation.

The total failure of the CSA and the Government's aim to eradicate child poverty is a disgrace and the type of results one would expect from a corrupt third world country, not one that was the first to industrialise in 1746 so should know how to coordinate macro economics by now. Instead it has cost 2 1/2 billion pounds to collect 4 billion and more and more dads are arguing (96% of non payers are dads) that they will not pay for various reasons - non contact with the child being one that is often cited as justification to subject one's child to poverty.

It is of course totally unfair that in a shared care arrangement the dad is expected to support the mother's household and is unable to claim any tax credits. I have no faith in this Government being able to adjust the system to one that is fair and instead suspect that a shambolic mess would result with a consequent hike in income tax .

What do I suggest?

Increase tax free pay to £15,000 for all who do not pay higher rate tax and abolish all tax and child tax credits.

Provide child care free up to £200 per week for all who do not pay higher rate tax and who are working full time - if in a couple both must be working and earnings aggregated.

Give power back to the courts to assess child maintenance and abolish CSA and it's successor CMEC. This system is not foolproof either - sending a non paying father to prison for six weeks does not help feed a child and some of the worse non payers had their debt written off as they were unlikely ever to acquire the means to pay it - a bit like going bankrupt.

Encourage the 4 million adults who do not work and live off the rest of us into some form of employment - a society is judged by how it treats it's weakest members - some do need our help - but 4 million?

Stop tourists using the National Health System - subject of another post!

Friday, March 14, 2008

How to have a nice day!

Thank God It's Friday!

Last Friday I had a fantastic time. I met up with one of my dear friends from America who came over to London to celebrate surviving cancer. I don't know when I will see her again but last Friday was one of my top ten days!

Today my 5 year old son jumped out of bed excited because it is fish and chip day at school and his friend Alex is coming over for a sleepover and a pizza tonight. He said to me - 2 of my favourite meals and 1 of my best friends all on the same day - yippee!

Whatever stage you are at in your divorce try to give yourself a break from the stress and the anxiety. How?

1. Plan something you want to do - meet up with an old friend, revisit somewhere you feel relaxed, or go somewhere new!

2. Do not stay home alone on Friday or Saturday night. If you have no friends you can call, a lot of people tend to socialise only with couples when they are in a couple and then they are isolated when they are on their own, drag out old address books - there must be someone you can call on. Make new friends at work. If all else fails get a job in a bar - they are always looking for weekend staff.

3. Give yourself a mini treat every 3 hours. My sister gave me this gem when I was 16 and it really works. Latte? Cake? Newspaper? Text? Browse the internet for shoes? It helps your concentration, makes you feel in control of your time and gives you a boost.

4. Allocate worry time. I choose 11.30pm by which time I am usually too tired to really focus so the worrying gets left to the next day!

Monday, March 10, 2008

No cohabitation rights in England then?

It has been widely reported that the Government has decided to put on hold its decision whether to introduce rights for cohabiting couples.


According to the Daily Mail they want to assess the cost first. They are looking into the effectiveness of the scheme introduced in Scotland last year. Cynics are arguing that the Government is really concerned over the potential hit on the Legal Aid Budget. Why is cost not a relevant consideration? Surely they have learnt a lesson from the Child Support Agency? This was supposed to reduce child poverty and instead the costs of collection rose exponentially.

They were planning to allow a get out clause in any event. Just how many women would this new law have helped?

Prominent family lawyers are advising rich men not to marry and live in this country. What would their advice have been if a cohabitation law had come into force? Don't live with anyone? I know someone who was engaged for over a decade and she thought both parties were still living with their parents. It turned out her fiancee was living with his wife. What of her relationship disadvantage? She had a successful career and avoided entering the property market at a time of boom whilst she waited for her man to commit. Fool you might say, but isn't that what love does to us all?

No system is fair to everyone - I feel that the Hamble Car Park Committee are about to reach a similar impasse.

Friday, March 07, 2008

What are the 3 hardest things to do?

There are 3 things in life that are notoriously difficult but for which quick fixes are offered all over the web.

What are they?




Here is what everyone knows deep down:

1. Only fat people eat diet food.

2. Learning a foreign language requires hard work and memorising lots and lots of boring grammar, vocabulary and phrases.

3. Most people beef up their on line dating profile in the same way CV's are dressed. For example "enjoy working under own initiative" could mean "not a team player" and "thirty something" could mean "forty one".

Impossible then? No just not as easy as people trying to sell you quick fixes make out.


1. Drink nothing fizzy - only champagne on special occasions.

2. Stop eating processed food such as biscuits, crisps, cakes, sausages.

3. Eat more fresh fruit, vegetables, fish and sea food.

4. Exercise for 40 minutes 3 times a week

5. Stop thinking about food. It is a fuel only, imagine you are a car.


1. Move to the country of your choice.


1. Stop looking

2. Heal yourself emotionally. It takes 2 years to recover from a failed relationship, those in the middle of an acrimonious divorce often say, never again...........

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Ready to give in?

Sometimes divorce can become overwhelming and some going through acrimonious divorces tend to use their lawyers more as counsellors. This is better than feeling isolated and deciding that life is no longer worth living.

I am not a trained counsellor and through the years have come across some people whose position appears so desperate to them that suicide is the preferred option. Is it a coincidence that the Samaritans office is directly opposite Southampton County Court?

What to do when you reach that pit of despair and the future holds no hope?

I wish I had a simple answer. Normally what binds one to this planet are the people one loves. Empathy for one's children and their pain at one's loss may not be enough for the most inconsolable.

Pulling oneself out of that black hole of despair into a nothingness of a future may not seem worth the effort...........but how do you know your future will be bleak? How do you know there's no more joy ahead for you? How do you know you won't one day love another so desperately that the thought of their death is like a dagger through your heart? How do you know that you won't serve a purpose to another human soul, the gift of their gratitude excelling any feeling of self worth you ever threw away before?

Find a purpose. Find a link. Humans are like spiders' webs. We need to be bound together. Remove yourself from isolation and try venturing out into the world? What have you got to lose? Regard it as delaying your suicide plans.............and the song is wrong.......... Suicide is not painless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 03, 2008

Why do people lie to each other?

I once defended a guy whose wife was seeking to have their marriage annulled. There are 2 types of unions that can apply - void marriages and voidable ones. The facts in this case added up to a situation where 2 people should never have done more than shake hands but they had married.........

He was furious with her because she had lied about her age and he felt she was past the ideal child bearing window!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She was furious with him because he had lied about his age and he was far too young to be sufficiently established as a breadwinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The irony of their situation was lost on both of them.

I thought they both looked their age so could not understand how they thought they could even get such a lie off the ground. But the fact is they did and the real question is how on earth did they think they would get away with it? How do you explain that one? No one forgets their age unless they are senile by which stage one is unlikely to be dating anyway.

How does it start? Surely if you are out in a club on the pull then before you launch into the big one - normally men exaggerate their earning potential - the world is full of labourers pretending to be property developers and bank clerks pretending to be money dealers but....... they are probably seeking a one night stand and simply trying to increase their odds.

This is a whole world away from marrying someone whom you have lied to. It is amazing but many people do it, bigamists, gold diggers, ex criminals, double lifers. How do you protect yourself from such scoundrels? Common sense is the main defence. If something does not add does not add up no matter how much you want it to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Can I handle my own Divorce?

Yes you can.

Can I get rid of my cellulite?

Yes you can.

Both are possible but require hard work, tenacity, knowledge and self discipline.

Ask Heather Mills.

Don't even think about it if you are emotionally overwrought or if you have trouble banishing sugar from your diet. Instead you need to hire the best lawyer you can find and make friends with your cellulite because you are going to be together for a long time.

In respect of handling your own divorce......some people have to because they have no money. For those that can afford representation it's the same as flying your own plane, go ahead provided you know what you are doing. However, do not mistake arrogance for knowledge a la John Kennedy junior!!!!! What he did was allegedly an act of extreme folly (flying in bad weather) that resulted in his own death as well as that of his wife and her sister. A certain Miss Mills has been described in the same vein!!!!