Should I stay or should I go now?

Many people waste years in unhappy relationships...they make no effort to improve their day to day existence but neither do they make that jump.......only after the other person moves on, dies, dumps them do they realise how much time they have wasted.

What if you could control everything that happened to you? What if you could mold your partner into exactly the type of person you wanted to live with? Would you stay or go? What if there is a much easier option? What if you could change yourself? Not prepared to.....leave then.

The behaviour we expect of others in a relationship is often unrealistic. For example, my ex husband (a Man Utd fan) rang me at midnight on Wednesday to tell me that Man Utd had won. If he had done that whilst we were married I would have gone nuts!!!! I would have called him a selfish pig and he would definitely have been sleeping in the spare room. Now I simply find his behaviour amusing.

Are you nice to your spouse? Do you greet him/her with affection or do you barely glance when he/she arrives home? Are you more polite to strangers? What can you do this lovely Bank Holiday to make your relationship work? Remember it's never too late......................

Does a child need a father?

Apparently not if the child is created via IVF for the benefit of lesbian couples or single women. Most of the newspapers have covered the recent House of Commons vote and the Daily Mail is suitably outraged!

Glad that's sorted out....and it will make the explanation of the birds and the bees to a 5 year old far simpler. By the time these children are grown no doubt cloning will be in vogue so not knowing who your dad is will be a minor issue.

Only one problem - maybe the child will grow up with a desperate longing to know and no fortune teller in the land can solve that one. If I could choose my dad it would of course be my own but my fantasy dad would be Alan Sugar. Social workers warn of the dangers associated with a fantasy father figure ...oh dear life is ever more complicated!!!

When you feel you can't cope

The stress of divorce can be enormous and people can tip over into depression if they are not careful. It is normal to be prescribed mild anti depressants to help you through the situation but so many people talk of increased anxiety, fear of the future and the fact that their life is out of control. Waking up at 5 am is not uncommon.

What can you do?

The best mood lifter is regular exercise. If one exercises every day for at least 40 minutes one will feel better - guaranteed! I stopped exercising regularly recently and it had a bad impact on my mood and my stress coping mechanism. I have started again and I feel great. Try it - it works!!!!

The next thing you should try is meditation......

Forcing oneself to shift from a feeling of hopeless resignation and despair to an exhilarating feeling of hope and anticipation for the future can be as easy as slipping on one's training shoes......

How many possessions do you need?

Sorry I have not been blogging much recently but I am expecting a baby and I have been busy knitting!!!!!

When people get divorced there can be many areas of dispute - the divorce itself (pointless) the children ( heartbreaking) the matrimonial finances ( often disproportionate) domestic violence and injunctions ( necessary because the police are sporadic in their approach).

Most people worry about what their rights are. They argue over the spoils of the past and sacrifice present and future opportunities in order to win the battle. Just how important are these wasting assets?

Jodie Foster years ago lived in a hotel and said that she was so rich she did not need to own anything - all of her clothes were hired or loaned to her by Armani. The freedom of wealth meant that she had no responsibility for any possessions.

What do you want and what is important to you?

All I want is for my baby to be healthy and my children to be happy and to spend time with the people I love. Isn't that the same for you?

Does it matter who divorces who?

Sometimes it matters a lot. If you are the petitioner you have control of the proceedings and the respondent can only stop the divorce under very limited circumstances and if the petition is based on certain facts.

The respondent can defend the divorce. However, a bare defence that the marriage has not broken down is unlikely to succeed. The respondent can defend and cross petition, that is, the marriage has broken down but it is your fault not mine. Typically a compromise is reached and both parties proceed on their own petition.

What if the petitioner does not bother to apply for decree absolute? The respondent can apply after 3 months but this requires a hearing, is costly, causes delay and is not clear cut.

What of the people who have separated for years, are in new long term relationships but still do not start divorce proceedings - demanding that the other one do so because of the costs? The consequences of not divorcing can be extreme - especially if you have jointly owned assets.

Who petitions has no bearing on the matrimonial finances unless the circumstances are exceptional but it can have an impact on how matters progress. In the vast majority of cases this is not a problem. The unfortunate thing is that when it is a problem it becomes a very big problem!!!!!!!!!

Do not believe everything your child says

I wasted 2 hours on Saturday trying to access a website for my 5 year old son, who's magic code was rejected. He insisted to me that his user name was "Bobthe". I could not get him on line and sent 6 e mails requesting help. I got 6 replies today and his user name was a very bad spelling of chocolate cake. I am going to buy him one and let him eat it all!!!!

When he returns from his father he claims he is starving having eaten nothing for 2 days, that he can go to bed when he likes etc.

Children sometimes forget, sometimes make things up and sometimes lie. It is best to filter what they tell you, and if anything causes concern then to raise it with your ex partner in a non confrontational manner.

Different households have different rules. Give your children a break. They may come back from dad's and slam the fridge door because that is the only way it closes at dad's. They may forget to take their shoes off because mum does not make them. They may leave the toilet seat up because they have been visiting dad! Imagine how hard it is for children having to learn 2 sets of rules - none of which are their own!!!!!

How to tell if she no longer loves you

You google search this question.

Oh dear, men sometimes end up on the wrong end of a divorce petition and they do not understand why. It is important to read the clues and here are two massive ones which men miss all the time:

1. You no longer have sex.

2. You sleep in the spare bedroom.

Both of these are not because of her bad back, your snoring, her tiredness, stress at work, the recent death of her aunt etc. None of these excuses would stand in her way if George Clooney was on offer!!!!!!!!!!

What can you do:

1. Persuade her to see a sex therapist or at least a relationship counsellor

2. Resign yourself to celibacy until she decides to end the relationship

3. Have an affair

4. Initiate divorce proceedings yourself

How to tell if he no longer loves you

You google search this question.

If in doubt ........... get out

If in doubt...........don't

The first relates to relationships the second to clothes shopping.

There are a hundred clues that he no longer loves you and they are all swimming in your head .....here are a few examples:

He is very impatient with you.

He raises his eyebrows a lot when you speak.

He talks to you as if you are thick and you are the one with 2 degrees.

He refuses to have any more work done on the house.

He does not talk to you... not even about football.

He is no longer prepared to do things with your friends and family.

He no longer fancies you - this is a big give away and loving you like a friend is not enough.

What can you do to get love back?

Lots of things but first decide if this is what you really want. The balance of power in a relationship can shift overnight if you want it to......... all you need to do is change your behaviour and stop focusing on his.

What is a Shared Residence Order?

A Shared Residence Order is a stipulation that the child lives with both parents. They are becoming more popular and more and more fathers are asking for them. Why?

1. They equalise the power between the parties.
It is all very well to state that both parents share parental responsibility but in practice this normally means that the resident parent makes most of the day to day decisions that effect a child's life. The other parent can and should be involved in important decisions like schooling but practically the parent with whom the child resides will normally have more influence.

2. A Shared Residence Order does not have to be on a 50/50 basis. The child can live with one parent more often but still live with the other the rest of the time.

3. Some judges don't like them and call them just a label...... that's all very well but to some people the label is very important. Rather like a child's name - the Court's tend to assume that it is very important for a child to retain a link with the non resident parent via a shared surname. Somewhat sexist as the non resident parent tends to be the father but if having his name will encourage Contact then.......

4. They used to be rare because it was considered that they would only work in a situation of close cooperation. Now judicial opinion has taken a turn in the opposite direction and they are granted in situations of high conflict - to force the parents to get along. Feels a bit like social engineering.

5. There are many, many women struggling to bring up their children alone who would love the father to become more involved but they have no voice in the Courts as the Courts will not order a parent to fulfil his/her parental responsibility in respect of Contact. Conversely there are many many dads fighting to see more of their children. Perhaps a Shared Residence Order should become the norm.................l

How to tell if your mate is cheating

Lots of people ask this question!

Most of the signs are obvious after the event but.......

1. He is more interested in sex.
She is less interested in sex.

2. She stops nagging.
He starts buying her flowers.

3. She joins a gym, fitness class, adult education class - anything new that requires weekly commitment.
He has work commitments after hours or takes a job that requires travel - perhaps something that she has been nagging him to do for years.

4. Her appearance improves.
His appearance improves.

5. She keeps talking about a work colleague whom he has never met.
He keeps talking about a work colleague whom she has never met.

6. She becomes over friendly with another couple and she tends to stay up late drinking with him after her husband and his wife have gone home to their own beds.
Same for him but in reverse.

7. A friend of his is suddenly available to accompany his wife when he is away on business.
He is mentoring one of her friends.

8. She has a shower when she comes in after a night out with the girls.
He has a shower after a late night at the office.

9. She is furtive with her phone, taking it into the shower with her.
He has a second mobile phone she did not know about.

10. She encourages him to do something she would have prevented him doing in the past - such as going to the World Cup.
He buys her and her best friend a weekend away at a health farm.

11. She does not care when/if he comes home.
He avoids going home.

12. She answers the phone and it is hung up - this happens more than once.
The gardener is always around, moving furniture, putting up shelves.....

13. She stops spending money on food, the fridge is always empty and she is eating out with a girlfriend again.
He hides his credit card receipts.


Clearly more than one of the above is needed to arouse suspicion but the following are probably conclusive:

1. An airline calls to confirm your seats for your romantic break... but you are not travelling.

2. A hotel calls to let you know that you have left an item of jewellery/clothing in the room and you have never been there.

3. Someone else gives you the sordid details.

4. He/she stays out all night without telling you.

5. She is pregnant but the dates don't add up.

Unfortunately lots of people are unfaithful and the last one to find out is usually their spouse. This may be because they do not want to know and many people run outwardly successful marriages for years whilst enjoying extra marital affairs.

It is often an instinctive feeling that something is not quite right that proves ones worst suspicions in the end!!!!!