Monday, November 26, 2007

Can a holiday together save your marriage?

Probably not!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going away together and being forced to spend all day and night in each others' company can be the final sign that divorce is afoot.

Danger signals:

1. Not wanting to even talk to your partner - eating dinner in silence or worse reading a book!

2. Not wanting to be affectionate or intimate with your partner.

3. An over enthusiasm to meet new people to avoid time alone together.

4. Rows, followed by a period of ignoring each other more rows followed by.....

5. Counting down the days until you get home.

6. Only going because it is already booked and you don't want to waste the money.

7. Checking in late at the airport hoping you will be allocated seats apart.

A lot of relationships stumble on because people manage to live separate lives and the loneliness of their situation is not thrown into the spotlight. Being forced to spend time together highlights the barren waste of many relationships and makes people realise that they cannot tolerate half living any longer.

The unfortunate reality for most people in this situation is that by the time they realise the problem is serious it is too late for them to be able to retrieve the relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Want to hang on to him?

Regret pushing him down the road to divorce?

Want him back?

Scared he'll say no?

How did it get to this stage?

Many people treat their partner badly, lose respect for them, treat them even worse, demand that they leave and then..........regret it deeply when they do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

They think they can simply call up and say:

"OK, I didn't mean it, you may return."

Maybe they have done this many times in the past.

But this time their ex says:

" NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

What a shock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the old worm has turned syndrome.

Maybe you genuinely regret being mean in the past, maybe you sincerely intend to change...............the problem you have is persuading your partner you are worth giving another chance to.

What won't work:

1. Pleading
2. Begging
3. Crying
4. Fighting
5. Demanding
6. Sulking
7. Swearing

I am writing a book on what will work........................... It's not easy, needs genuine commitment on both sides and can develop into a lifetime project but the rewards can be great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Who said men weren't beautiful?

Thinking about getting divorced? Bored? Had enough? Don't fancy your partner any more? If you are in an abusive relationship - go right ahead and divorce. If this is not the case and you are simply contemplating divorce try making this list first.

1. Work out what attracted you to your mate initially.
Nice voice? Hands? It's a bit unfortunate if it was his hair and he is now bald, her figure and she is now twice the woman you married, but write it all down anyway.

2. Have you ever liked anything about him/her?
Generous? Funny? Kind?

3. What is he/she good at?
DIY? Cooking? Driving? IT?

4. Who likes him/her?
Put down everyone, it's not a question of sides so your best friend and your mother can be on the list.

5. What do they like about him/her?

6. What is the best thing he/she has ever done?

7. Has he/she done anything to make you feel proud?

8. When you needed help was he/she there for you?
Think hard, changing your tyre will do if he gave you no emotional support when your dad died. Washing your shirt works even if she refused to go to your company do. No negatives, only positives, no matter how insignificant they seem to you.

9. If you were at his/her funeral now what memory what you write in the condolences book? What memory would his/her mum write? Your children etc?
Unless you married your partner for the wrong reasons (money, no one else available etc sad etcs abound) you should be feeling very nostalgic and upset by now.

The next stage:

Write his/her profile for a dating agency using the information above.

The next stage:

Write your wish list for your ideal partner.

Make this totally comprehensive - mine includes - can drive!! One of my friends has 146 things on her list and her current boyfriend ticks every box!!!!

Do you see many similarities between your wish list and your current partner?

If no.........go ahead divorce is probably the right decision.
If yes.........try to save your marriage.......... the subject of another post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Still living in the past?

I have had a run of bad luck smashed up on motorway (no one hurt but it takes weeks to sort out) ripped off by a conman (entered office under guise of plumber and stole our cheque book), lost my favourite bracelet (irreplaceable - whoever is wearing it now will get no pleasure as that bracelet is totally imbibed with my vibe).... could go on but that would be moaning.

Anyway, I launched in to the universal victim cry "Why Me?".....and the answer came:

"You cannot alter what happens to you but you can control how you react to it, stop dwelling on it, stop living in the past, deal with the hassle and move on".

So many people who get divorced spend so much time running through what went wrong, again and again and again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Nothing changes, they are just trapped by the what ifs and why questions.

If this is you you have a choice:

1. Continue allowing your mind to focus on the unfairness and desperate sadness of your treatment at the hands of your spouse. The result will be depression, desperation or even madness. Heather Mills is an example of someone who outwardly appears to be trapped in the fight and the need to win, to make everyone sympathise with her and accept that she was right all along, to have him publicly apologise..... nothing will make it right fact the only thing good enough is to turn the clock back.

Like the monkey in the trap one needs to let go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Every day when you wake up or go to sleep repeat a positive mantra to yourself 10 times. Choose what suits but something like:

"I am a beautiful and successful person and deserve the best and to be treated with respect"

Not you? Do you prefer:

"I am a useless, fat idiot with no drive or direction in life and no friends?"

What you think is what you get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If it hurts too much think of people recovering from major surgery who have to learn to walk again. Force yourself. It is not easy but if you put in the effort you will get the results.

Recovery is a journey, but you cannot move down the road to self fulfilment, confidence and happiness until you take that first step.................

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

What is mediation?

Mediation is the process of negotiating a settlement with your ex using the input of an impartial third party.

What can we mediate on?

1. The divorce
2. The matrimonial finances
3. Arrangements for the children

Who can act as a mediator?

A mediator does not have to be a qualified solicitor. It is important to ensure that you are referred to a good one. A mediator can become accredited in a matter of days so the title alone should not reassure you. Not all mediators are good and impartial in the same way that not all catholic priests are celibate!!!!!!!!!!!!

A good mediator however should be able to help resolve a number of issues and open up communication, even if a final settlement is not reached.

It is also important to consult your solicitor after each mediation appointment to ensure that you are fully aware of your legal rights and entitlement.

Who should attend mediation?

Anyone who feels able to do so and who is able to stand up to their ex. If you were bullied throughout your relationship or if there are issues of domestic violence then mediation will probably not assist you. Some people really do present a double personality to the world so go with your gut instinct. I had a friend who was working shifts with a guy whose wife had kicked him out and he spent the whole time crying which was driving my friend mad. In the end he told him to ring her and explain how much he missed her. My friend said he felt sorry for him and thought that his wife must have it in her heart to reconsider given how heartbroken the poor guy was. Anyway ............... he overheard the conversation - he said he spoke to the woman as if she was dirt, was swearing and shouting and abusing her and in the end she hung up on him and he continued to swear into mid air. No doubt his lawyer would consider him a suitable candidate for mediation and conclude that the wife had made up her allegations of abuse!!! Similarly, I had a client years ago whose wife bullied him remorselessly but he was determined that no one else should know!!!!

As for those of you who cannot bear to be in the same room as your are you going to cope at parents' evenings?

Friday, November 02, 2007

Feeling cold and isolated?

Many people are forced down the road of separation and divorce by their partner and are devastated by the impending loss and unquantifiable, frightening change.

It is bad enough getting divorced when you want to - how much more distressing when you feel your life is being snatched away to be replaced by a vast feeling of emptiness. Some sink into depression, lose their focus at work and have a series of unfulfilling transitional liaisons that never quite make it on to the relationship map.

How to cope?

Getting divorced is a bit like bereavement, there are 4 stages to the loss:

1. Disbelief - shock
2. Anger
3. Sadness - grief
4. Acceptance

The four stages are not on a linear curve, one can achieve acceptance and then slip back into anger. However it is important that all 4 stages are gone through in order to recover and move on. We've all seen the over cheery, newly deserted man or woman, claiming total resilience and moving swiftly into a committed situation with the first passing candidate - probably living with someone they met on the internet 3 weeks earlier!!!! Best not to comment on what fate awaits them.

Dealing with the pain of a broken heart is best reduced into achievable daily goals. The worst time to get through is the weekends and the best way of avoiding feeling dreadful is to fill one's time. Visit a relative you don't normally make time for, go for a run in the woods, join a class, interest group, learn to fly, absail, pot hole, take up golf, drama , get a job in a pub Saturday night to avoid being home alone - basically JUST DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Couples are normally constrained on the weekend by their partner's wishes - so, if your wife never let you watch football and always made you go shopping with her, now is the time to get a season ticket. Think deeply about what you've always wanted to do and do it, even if it's reading a tabloid newspaper!!!!

For an individual to feel happy and fulfilled the 8 areas of his/her life need to be in balance, like the spooks on a wheel. If one segment takes over the wheel won't turn. When one separates the loss encompasses more than one segment and can be completely debilitating. It is important to ensure the other seven segments are not neglected. I will blog on what these are at a later date .........................