Coercive or Controlling Behaviour - Now a Crime

Domestic abuse has now been extended since 29 December 2015 to include coercive or controlling behaviour.

What does that mean?

It means if your actions are adversely affected because someone else causes you emotional harm or - on at least 2 occasions - fear of violence.

Many people claim they are controlled by their partner - for example they cannot go out with their friends, they cannot be late home and they need permission before they can do virtually anything. There is a big difference between compromise in a relationship -discussing what is right for both of you - and being bullied into doing what your partner wants.

Other examples - checking up on your phone, controlling your Facebook account, telling you what to wear, stopping you from drinking, stopping you from working, limiting when you can see your family or friends, controlling your access to money, criticising you endlessly or putting you down in front of others. 

Most people know when someone is abused by their partner - the old joke of being hen pecked or worse that a man's extreme jealously shows that he loves you.

The difficulty is that when people are in an abusive relationship they often normalise the behaviour - they justify it to others and claim it is not that bad. Usually things escalate before victims realise that they have been emotionally abused for a long time.  They have just accepted being bullied in order to have an easier life and through fear of the anger if they disagree.

The key is the effect the behaviour has on the victim. Often this effect is cumulative.

Minister for Preventing Abuse and Exploitation Karen Bradley said:

"Our new coercive or controlling behaviour offence will protect victims who would otherwise be subjected to sustained patterns of abuse that can lead to total control of their lives by the perpetrator. We are sending a clear message that it is wrong to violate the trust of those closest to you and that emotional and controlling abuse will not be tolerated."

This legislation comes at a time when domestic violence referrals are already increasing. The maximum sentence is 5 years. It will be interesting to see if the police are sufficiently trained and resourced to pursue this offence.

How to tell if you are in an abusive relationship? Imagine your partner's reaction if you  rang and said one of the following:

you would be going out with friends and so would be late home,
you planned to go on holiday with a friend,
you had invited your parents for the weekend,
you had changed your passwords on your social media.

If you feel fear  or anxiety at the thought of any of the above then perhaps you should carefully consider whether your relationship needs changing.

Should I stay or should I go now?

The agony of indecision. Not bad enough to leave not good enough to stay. Some people contemplate the decision to leave their partner for many years. Anxiety is at it's height when you do not know what to do. Life is only half lived. You put other things on hold - holidays, work promotions, DIY, hobbies, time with friends - everything is dealt with in a half hearted manner whilst you ponder whether you should end your relationship. You don't know what to do so you do nothing - you start to drift through life and everything becomes mediocre. No joy, no contentment, no pleasure, no hope, no fun. Then perhaps you turn to distractions - an affair, alcohol, gambling, drugs, shopping, food - any addictive habit to give instant satisfaction and relief from the agony of indecision.  Then eventually the decision is made - it's either too late to leave -may as well live out our last years together in semi misery or the misery of indecision becomes so bad you decide leaving is the only way to escape. You want to make the right decision but in the end the decision is made through procrastination.

If you trawl the Internet you will find long lists of what you should consider in order to make the right decision.

Is your partner abusive? If yes - leave.

Can you afford to leave? If no - stay.

Do you love your partner? If yes stay but what if the partner you love is abusive? Leave.

Are you religious? Stay.

Have you both stopped trying? Go to counselling.  

These practical decisions are not helpful.  You know the answers but you are not sure if you are making the right decision.  The only wrong decision is no decision because of the limbo it traps you in. There is a saying - Put up or shut up.  Somehow all such sayings are based on wisdom that is inescapable.

When weighing up any decision in life remember there are three different options.

1. What you want to do

2. What you should do

3. What you must do.

If you live your life through should - you may well stay for the sake of the children. If your should is to be grateful that someone married  you in the first place - you will stay married.

If your must is to avoid disappointing your parents you will stay married. If your must is to be a good catholic you will stay married. 

Confusing  the wants, shoulds and musts is how people get stuck. What if you don't know what you want? You just think you don't know by the way - it is the shoulds and the musts that are getting in the way. 

Here is a simply way to work out exactly what you want.

Imagine you won the lottery - millions and millions  - no matter how rich you are you win more than your total net worth. What would you want to do with the money? Don't think about it - your first instinctive answer is the key - be truthful with yourself - you don't need to impress anyone.

A. Split it with your partner and go your separate ways.

B. Share it with your partner and use it to rebuild your lives together.

C. Hide it from your partner. 

Your first answer will tell you whether you want to divorce or not - and what type of divorce you can expect. Next you simply need to decide whether you are going to do what you want or live by your shoulds and musts.  By the way you can change your musts but it takes effort.

Once you make the decision - live with it. If you decide to give your life together a chance - set  a deadline for things to improve - and put your best effort into improving them. If you decide you cannot leave even though you want to then make your best effort to make the most of the situation - after all it is your life.  Live it the best you can...