What to do about Domestic Violence

WHAT IS IT?

Sadly, Domestic Violence occurs all too frequently. It can range from pushing and shoving your partner, making threats, to actual assault. Domestic Violence increases in intensity over time, the more you tolerate the worse it gets. Acceptance of abuse fuels the abuser's anger, as does fighting back, smiling, looking at him/her, in fact anything you do can set the abuser off, and it is always your fault. If you are in one of these relationships there is only one thing to do - GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

STEP 1

Often people tolerate abuse for years, becoming almost institutionalised and accustomed to their misery. The first step to breaking the cycle is to tell someone. I knew a woman who's husband broke her jaw and knocked her front teeth out and she told everyone she had been in a car accident. This was not a one-off and everyone knew she was lying but she thought she was covering up her humiliation and misery. Such behaviour colludes with the abuser, and makes it harder still to get out of the relationship.

So, tell someone. It's not as hard as you think and they have probably guessed what's going on anyway.

STEP 2

Tell the Police. If there is a history of violence in your relationship they will make a report and be alert for the next time you call. They cannot prosecute someone unless you contact them when the abuse is occurring or soon after, but the background is useful for them to know and will ensure they take your call seriously if the abuse happens again.

The Police have Domestic Violence Officers, who's job it is to offer victims support and refer them to agencies, such as http://refuge.org.uk who can help.

The average number of attacks people tolerate before contacting the Police is 35. What beating are you on?

STEP 3

The next time your partner becomes abusive tell him/her that you will call the Police. This change from victim role may surprise your partner and may be enough to stop the threats and or attacks. If it is not call the Police. If you are in imminent danger dial 999. This means if you think your partner is about to use violence against you. If the abuse stops at threats, call the local police number and file a complaint. Your partner will then be arrested, and if there is sufficient evidence charged. Support the Police and Crown Prosecution Service in any charges they make.

STEP 4

The Police will probably recommend that you take a civil action against your partner, known as a Non-Molestation Order and/or an Occupation Order. A Non-Molestation Order will have a Power of Arrest attached, and an Occupation Order may have one also. This involves instructing a solicitor and going to Court at least twice and is expensive unless you qualify for legal aid. This may not be necessary if your partner is on Police Bail, but if they have released him/her without charge you may need the protection of an injunction.

STEP 5

If you haven't already done so, take steps to end the relationship. People don't change, not without serious rehabilitation and/or counselling, and abusers rarely accept responsibility for their actions.

THE CHARM SYNDROME

Abusive people can be very charming, that's what attracted you in the first place. The outside world may regard you as very lucky to have such a great partner, your partner may suggest you are mad if you say you want out of the relationship and you may start to believe it. There is an excellent book for women in this situation (men are victims of abuse too but not on the same scale). This book is written by Sandra Horley, the Chief Executive of Refuge and is called "POWER AND CONTROL Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers".

A FINAL WORD ON PERSONAL SAFETY

More woman are killed by lovers than strangers. One woman a week is killed in Britain by a lover or an ex-partner. If you are in a violent relationship think of it as an airplane that's about to crash. You are not the pilot and there is nothing you can do to stop it. If you try to collect your hand luggage you will die. Get out while you still can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Divorce - Consent Order

WHAT IS A CONSENT ORDER?

A Consent Order is the legal document by which financial matters are finalised on divorce. Without this, you are vulnerable to your partner making a financial claim years later.

A Consent Order is like the contraceptive pill, it is 99.9% reliable. It can only be overturned if there has been fraud or mistake or an "intervening event". To qualify as an intervening event the event must be :

1. Soon after the Consent Order has been sealed by the Court (normally within 12 months).

2. Not contemplated and considered at the time of divorce.

3. Sufficiently large to undermine the terms of the Consent Order. That is, if the event had been known about at the drafting stage of the Consent Order then the terms of the Consent Order would have been altered.

Furthermore:

1. The Application to set aside must be made promptly.

2. There must be no disadvantage to third parties, who have acquired the relevant property in good faith and for valuable consideration.

WHAT IS INCLUDED IN A CONSENT ORDER

The Consent Order will deal with all the financial aspects which the Court has jurisdiction over.

1. The Former Matrimonial Home.Will it be sold or retained by one of the parties? If it is retained by one spouse (normally the parent with care of the children, will the other party have a charge over the property? Will the owner indemnify the other spouse on the mortgage?).

2. Other Assets.How will they be distributed?
Shares, property, family business, share options, endowment insurance policies etc,etc.
All assets of the marriage will be dealt with.

3. Personal Property and Furniture.Each party normally retains their own goods (unless needs dictate that valuable goods should be sold or transferred to the other spouse).

There is a standard clause which states that the goods are retained by the person in whose possession they are in at the time of the Consent Order, and couples should be encouraged to agree direct the division of their CD collection etc, as it is disproportionate cost wise to involve solicitors. This can be a source of amusement for your friends years later. One of my friends refused to hand over her ex husband's mountain bike and another had huge debates over an ashtray collection (they were nice ashtrays, from The Ritz, Annabels etc).

4. Pension Sharing.Pension sharing, or offsetting the pension against other assets maybe appropriate if there is sufficient pension provision accumulated during the course of the marriage.

5. Periodic Payments, Maintenance.Maintenance from one party to the other. If so for how long, two years? Until retirement? Until death or remarriage of the receiving spouse?

The Courts must always consider the option of a clean break and encourage the parties to be independent financially, but they will not order this if one party cannot afford to do so. If there are young children of the marriage the courts will normally make a nominal maintenance order for the parent with care of the children rather than a clean break.

6. Child Maintenance.Normally the Child Support Agency has jurisdiction for Child Maintenance (see previous post Children - Maintenance 14th July 2006). However, the Courts can make an Order for Child Maintenance, but either party can apply to the CSA for an Assessment after 12 months. The Government is seriously considering removing this facility because the CSA cannot cope with its workload, this should be kept in mind if you consider the option to revert to the CSA, or its replacement, in years to come useful. If so, do not include Child Support within your Consent Order.

7. Private Health Care, Insurance Cover Premiums, School Fees.
It is best to list all expenses, especially if one party receives benefits via his/her employment.

8. No claims bonus on car.
Often, the wife is younger than the husband, the husband has a car when the parties marry, then gets a company car, and the wife then drives on the husband's insurance for 20 years. It is important to get this transferred at the time of divorce as insurance companies may refuse to do so later. Plus, once the divorce is finalised, your ex husband may refuse to transfer the no claims bonus, despite it having been accumulated via your careful driving!

9. Debts.
Who will take on the responsibility of any debts of the marriage? If they are joint, will the paying party indemnify their ex spouse?

10. Neither party to have any claim on the other's estate when their ex-spouse dies.

11. Pets.
Who keeps them?

Each Consent Order is individual and it is essential to obtain legal advice relevant to your personal circumstances. It is also important to ensure that the document is properly drafted and you understand what you are agreeing to. For example, what are the implications of a nominal maintenance order? What happens if my ex spouse cohabits? The Consent Order says we each keep our personal possessions but my ex wife won't give me my bike back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Divorce - Separation

TYPICAL QUESTIONS ON DIVORCE.

SHOULD I DATE WHEN TRYING TO GET A DIVORCE?

No

SHOULD I SMOKE?

No

SHOULD I TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS?

Do you feel anxious all the time? Do you worry about the future so much that you can't concentrate at work or enjoy time with your children? Do you burst into tears for no reason? Do you have thoughts about suicide or feel that life has no point?

If any of the above apply to you it is worth visiting your G.P.

WHY DOES EVERYONE I SPEAK TO WANT TO KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG IN MY MARRIAGE?

Just as when you get married, everyone asks when you are going to have a baby, so when you separate everyone feels they have a right to ask for details, even specifics about your sex life. It helps to talk things through with a few close friends, for everyone else, a standard "It's too painful to talk about right now." should do the trick.

SHOULD I TELL MY NEW PARTNER HOW MANY PEOPLE I HAVE SLEPT WITH?

If you are getting divorced you should not be dating, but.......

If you are a woman and it is more than 7 - NO

If you are a man and it is less than 7 - NO

SHOULD I WEAR A MINI-SKIRT?

If you are over 35 - NO

If you are under 35 and your thigh measures more than 19 1/2 inches at the widest point - NO

If you are a man - PROBABLY NOT

SHOULD I READ MY TEENAGER'S MAIL ?

If you want to find out something unpleasant and destroy the trust in your relationship forever -YES

Otherwise - NO

HOW DO I HELP MY CHILDREN COPE WITH THE SEPARATION?

Spend time with them, resist the urge to go out and get drunk. If you are no longer living with them, keep in regular contact, if they are old enough send them text messages and e-mails. Do not date, and do not criticise their other parent. Do not share your worries about the future with them, either financial or emotional, they cannot support you in this, but will feel even more anxious and helpless than you.

I DON'T WANT TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE SO WHAT IS THE POINT OF GOING TO RELATE?

Counselling helps couples and individuals deal with their loss, the breakdown of their relationship and moving on. Even if the divorce is your choice, it is likely that you will feel guilt and remorse for the pain you cause others, and sadness at the loss of your previous life. It is especially useful if you are the spouse who has been left. The divorce is often forced upon you, and you will be trailing behind emotionally, sometimes hoping for a reconciliation, even when your spouse has left you for someone new.

WHAT CONSTITUTES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Any behaviour that you would not tolerate from a stranger in the street, verbal abuse, pushing, shoving, spitting, attacking someone with a broom, throwing food, wine or anything that comes to hand. None of the above is normal behaviour, honest.

WHY CAN'T I DATE WHEN IN THE MIDDLE OF A DIVORCE?

Lots of people do, but it increases the acrimony, and causes extra pain for your children. Research suggests that it takes 2 years to get over a divorce emotionally, and that any relationship pursued in the meantime will probably be transitional. In the words of Guns n' Roses "All we need is a little PATIENCE............".