Questions to ask before marriage

The New York Times

have produced an eminently sensible list of questions to ask your future spouse.

Here's mine:

IF YOU ARE UGLY AND RICH

Are you marrying me for my money?

IF YOU ARE POOR AND GORGEOUS

Are you marrying me for my looks?

IF YOU ARE A MAN AND THE WOMAN YOU HAVE BEEN DATING FOR 2 YEARS WEARS A DIFFERENT OUTFIT EACH TIME YOU SEE HER?

How much money do you spend on clothes?

IF YOU ARE A WOMAN AND THE MAN YOU HAVE BEEN DATING FOR 2 YEARS ALWAYS WEARS THE SAME JACKET

How often do you wash?

IF YOU ARE PAUL McCARTNEY

Are you marrying me for my fame and fortune?

IF THE ANSWER IS NO

Do you mind if we use a lie detector?

IF YOU ARE A MIDDLE AGED ENGLISH WOMAN MARRYING A TURKISH WAITER

Are you marrying me to try and move to England?

IF YOU ARE MARRYING ZARA PHILLIPS OR ANY OTHER ANIMAL LOVER

If your horse and I were both ill, which one would you sit up all night with?

A Place of Sanctury

Ruth Kelly has announced that she is keen to introduce rooms of sanctuary in the homes of battered women who no longer live with their abusive ex partners.

The rooms will contain Closed Circuit TV cameras, alarms, reinforced doors and windows, security lights, smoke alarms. For anyone who seeks to renew their household insurance all of the above are normal requirements apart from the CCTV cameras. So nothing new there. This Government is good at making announcements which sound like great new initiatives when in fact they are based on simple common sense. The scheme will be the responsibility of the Local Councils so no doubt they will be responsible for funding it too. I bet they're pleased. Has anyone calculated the likely cost? Is there a budget? Say 10 houses per 1000 households? Or, is it another open ended commitment like the access to justice for anyone visiting our country and claiming asylum?

Christmas Contact

Want to take the kids skiing for Christmas but your ex partner won't let you?

What's the normal Christmas contact that a Court would order?

Alternate Christmas, Easter and New Year each year between parents.

A typical Order will have the handover at 2pm on Christmas Day, alternating each year, so that one year mum has Christmas Eve and the present opening and the next year dad does. An alternative is to have the whole day one year and miss it completely the next.

In respect of holidays, they should be regarded as great opportunities for your children to see the world. Some dads will pay £10 000 to take their children to the Caribbean for Xmas but nothing for food and maintenance throughout the year. Horrendous behaviour and the bain of the Child Support Agency (renamed Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission) but depriving children of such a fantastic experience will not solve the maintenance issue.

As your children get older, they will have a say. This can be more effective than going to Court, mum not letting the kids go to Disneyworld with dad is something that mum will have to explain to the kids herself. Most parents, no matter how much they hate their ex spouse will be unable to be so mean to their own children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NON PAYING DADS TO BE EXPOSED

The Government has announced that one of the new aspects of the replacement agency for the Child Support Agency will be that non-paying dads ( NPD's) (it is normally fathers but there are some non paying mothers out there) will now be named and shamed on a website.

Already people are bleating that this will be ineffective and is a wasts of time. Why not come up with some alternatives? My suggestions:

1. All dating agencies must have a link to the NPD's website and all members must be labelled NPD's if they are not supporting their children.

2. All NPD's who purchase or lease a car must have a registration plate with NPD at the start.

3. All football stadiums must have separate stands reserved for NPD's and those with ASBO's

4. All Estate Agent's to include in their details if an NPD is selling his house and to inform the new Child Support Agency .

I think that might work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Ozone Layer is Broken

Going through separation and divorce is a time of huge stress. Anxiety levels can soar and people become paralysed with fear of the future.

A way of dealing with these anxieties is to separate them into micro and macro worries.

Macro worries

These concern our world such as global warming, increasing crime rates, lack of N.H.S. dentists, the IRAQ war etc. When a person is anxious, such matters which are outside their control can affect them more deeply. You can read about the death of a teenager in a car accident and burst into tears. Recognise that you are emotionally vulnerable and avoid watching the news etc.

Micro worries

These are your own concerns. Credit card bills, noisy neighbours. work commitments, childcare issues and the overload - your divorce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try to separate your concerns into those you can solve and those that are out of your hands. Worrying about what type of order a judge may make is simply that, worry. There are certain administrative things you are required to provide in your divorce, try to deal with these boring tasks as soon as possible. Then attempt the impossible -forget about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?

WHAT NEXT?

Anyone contemplating divorce or separation would be wise to wait until after Christmas.

If there are children involved they will grow up to hate Christmas, a time of excitement and fun filled family memories will be turned into a reminder of loss and mourning.

There is no good time to tell your partner you want out, but Christmas is the worst possible time. It exaggerates and emphasises the pain.

Instead buy yourself a diary and notebook and plan your new life discreetly.

Lots of people finally make the decision to divorce after Christmas because the expectation of jolly times and happiness throws into stark relief their own misery. January and February are usually busy months for divorce lawyers. If your relationship is going through a rocky patch and yet again you are spending Christmas with the in-laws discuss cancelling the arrangements with your partner. If he/she refuses to listen then he/she is probably soon to be your ex. However, if you think your relationship is fixable it is worth making the effort before it is too late.

On the other hand, if you can't stand the sight of your partner and even his/her breathing drives you mad, then design your own advent calendar. Have it as a countdown to freedom or divorce with January 3rd replacing Christmas day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get the police on your side

In matters of domestic violence there appears a wide disparity in the advice people receive from the police.

I always advise my clients to call the police at the first sign of trouble. It is a priority of this Government to focus on domestic violence and racially motivated crimes so the police are supposed to prioritise such incidents. Not so when it comes to anecdotal incidents I've been told about.

" If you want to sort this out get your solicitor to take him to Court. That's what you pay her for."

"Next time you are involved in a domestic incident don't call the police."

" I know he's been convicted and told not to contact you but he may have called your number by mistake. If it happens again we will arrest him."

" I know she's admitted that she threatened to kill you, but she did not have a knife in her hand at the time and women can get away with saying such things so we will not be arresting her."

The police have a statutory duty to investigate incidents such as a threat to kill. If you are in fear call them . If violence is taking place call 999. Do not be fobbed off.

There are civil procedures available but they are expensive and those qualifying for public funding will usually not receive assistance if they have not involved the police!!!!!!!!!!!!!