Questions to ask before marriage

The New York Times

have produced an eminently sensible list of questions to ask your future spouse.

Here's mine:

IF YOU ARE UGLY AND RICH

Are you marrying me for my money?

IF YOU ARE POOR AND GORGEOUS

Are you marrying me for my looks?

IF YOU ARE A MAN AND THE WOMAN YOU HAVE BEEN DATING FOR 2 YEARS WEARS A DIFFERENT OUTFIT EACH TIME YOU SEE HER?

How much money do you spend on clothes?

IF YOU ARE A WOMAN AND THE MAN YOU HAVE BEEN DATING FOR 2 YEARS ALWAYS WEARS THE SAME JACKET

How often do you wash?

IF YOU ARE PAUL McCARTNEY

Are you marrying me for my fame and fortune?

IF THE ANSWER IS NO

Do you mind if we use a lie detector?

IF YOU ARE A MIDDLE AGED ENGLISH WOMAN MARRYING A TURKISH WAITER

Are you marrying me to try and move to England?

IF YOU ARE MARRYING ZARA PHILLIPS OR ANY OTHER ANIMAL LOVER

If your horse and I were both ill, which one would you sit up all night with?